House noises

The central heating has always made strange noises. Clicks and bangs and creaking.

I remember as a child, when we first had central heating put, in the whole house changed its sound and with it its character.

I’d lie awake in bed frightened by the sounds of the floorboards settling after the heating had gone off for the day, convinced that a masked burglar was slowly coming up the stairs to hack me to death. Right now, as I write, the pipes are tapping away. Same sort of noises, different house, but it still sends goosebumps up my neck. Actually, I just need to check something.

All clear.

But they are not the only sounds the house makes. The fridge/freezer makes some very odd noises as the gasses circulate around the maze of pipes. The tumble drier lets out a high pitched tone – which the manufacturers assure me is quite normal. I’ve begun to wonder if that’s why one of my neighbour’s dog never stops barking.

Last night the Virgin Media box was making to most bizarre noise, like a cat being posted through a letterbox. It’s been playing up for a couple of weeks now and I suspect it needs replacing. The Virgin Media box, not the cat. Or letterbox. Which reminds me, the letter box sounds like a brick has been posted through it even when it’s only a bit of paper advertising a connivence store 6 miles away.

And today, the third step up towards the landing has started to make a clanking sound when stepped on – but only on the way down – which won’t help me if a burglar breaks in and sneaks slowly up the stairs to hack me to death.

The kitchen and bathroom doors need oiling – both hinges and handles and I really must do something about the wheel on my chair.

For now though, I think the best plan of action is to turn the music up a bit.

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